If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
