highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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