so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
