I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
