i think my tv is drunk
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My cat gives me a boner
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
