...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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