Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
