pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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