do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
