I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
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You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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