i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
