I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
