Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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