It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
