its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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