I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
