he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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