Apparently you make a good broom.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
