so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
