My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
