I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
