Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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