If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
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Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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