Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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