My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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