can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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