you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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