I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
