I am puke
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
