a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
