One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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