you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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