you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
