I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
