so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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