i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I am one with the molecules
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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