saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
