Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
