She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
