god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
