Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
