We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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