remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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