I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
