you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.