It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
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That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
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You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.