Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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