as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
