When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
