Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
