guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
