Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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