Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
