my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
