She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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