And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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