moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
