dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
