went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
