I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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